K-SCORE: 93
Creator: Keiji Inafune, Capcom
Starring: Mega Man, Rush, Proto Man, Dr. Wily, Dr. Light
Spoiler Level: Minor
Behind the shiny blue veneer of Mega Man, lies a distressing photomosaic of socialist propaganda and latent fear of a society being conquered by a manufactured intelligence. The ultimately ethically bankrupt narrative propagates the notion that it is okay to classify an individual innovator and entrepreneur as “evil” as a justification for the systematic dismantling of his complex and profitable, both societally and individually, organization via violence and subsumation.
Puppetmaster and likely stooge of the government in the year 20XX, Dr. Light works behind the scenes to send his unthinking enforcers after the brilliant scientist Dr. Wily, who, admittedly, was born with an unfortunate name. If we are to blame a man for the surname he carries from generations past, what’s next? Are we to blame him for the pigments inherent in his dermis layer? No, I say. Let us judge him only by his deeds, by the products he puts forth, and by the content of his character. On no fewer than six separate occasions, Wily drew up new schematics, adjusts his factories, and brought at least eight unique semi-conscious beings into the realm of the living for the betterment of our culture.
Take Cut Man, a simple deforestation tool, lambasted in the media for wreaking havoc on wooded habitats. Yet we all know it’s not valuable to a lumber business, Wiley’s or otherwise, to fail to replant the trees they topple. And Cut Man, unlike industrial rotary machines, accomplishes his creator-given task without burning fossil fuels.
Take Ice Man, a mere explorer, surveyor of normally inhospitable climates, murdered in his homeland when he is little more than an extension of the scientist that created him - one who discovers for discovery’s sake.
Take Elec Man, who may have been a little dangerous to be around, but was single-handedly fixing the energy crisis.
Take Bubble Man. Here Wily created a conscious entity who provides the simple, harmless service of aerating local ecosystems. Maybe delighting deep-sea divers with a few bouncing shrimp.
Take Wood Man, who sweeps leaves on behalf of cottage dwelling peoples.
Take Flash Man, a photographer, capable of getting people to freeze for the perfect pictures as well as providing just the right lighting for each and every shot. Wouldn’t you have liked to have Flash Man at your wedding? Well you can’t, because he’s dead.
Take Heat Man, where Wily went out of his way to create a cute, baby-faced design for a robot that does little but replace radiators.
Take Magnet Man. This industrious entity was given the tall order of moving the Earth’s magnetic poles so that they’re aligned with the geologic poles. You know when you look at a compass in Greenland and it says north is actually west. Well, Magnet Man could have fixed that.
Take Needle Man, who knits sweaters unless he has to defend his prickly palace from invaders. Just leave Needle Man alone!
Take Top Man, where all Wily wanted to do was delight children at parties. His only movements were so simple and harmless that an eight-year-old boy could jump over him or slide under the tops he shoots out of his head.
Take Spark Man, whose utility around combustion engines was boundless.
Take Drill Man. Drill Man! Are we to wage war against all power tools that have been aiding basic construction for hundreds of years?
Take Dust Man. Are you the kind of person who looks down on your garbage people? How can you support the destruction of this refuse-compacting robot?
Take Ring Man, another entertainer, I think.
Take Skull Man, who, uh… he... I’m pretty sure he did, or was going to be doing some of the unsavory work currently done by coroners.
Take Gravity Man, who figured out how to reverse gravity. Or Wily did? Regardless the applications could have been extraordinary. Think space elevators. Think weightless transit systems moving people and cargo transcontinentally at astounding speeds.
Take Wave Man, who simulates, SIMULATES, tsunamis. So we can study them. The spear he carries was just a gift from a local fisherman.
Take Gyro Man, who makes delicious gyros.
Take Napalm Man. <gulp> You know what, I’m not going to pretend to always know what Wily was planning. He had a very diverse portfolio of creations, his corporation responsible for a great number things. A lot of ins, a lot of outs.
Take Centaur Man… woo boy. What am I going to say about this miscreation of man, machine, and horse… Centaur Man was likely an experiment designed to see how well people could adapt to alternative intelligences living alongside them, both biological and otherwise. An experiment that went very poorly, I might add.
Take Yamato Man. Okay, okay! So I don’t know what Yamato Man was. But I’m sure he was misunderstood before Dr. Light orchestrated his demise.
And all the rest. Victims each and every one of them. And what does Dr. Light create, a prototype robot, a dog that is obviously a weak attempt at satirizing Rush Limbaugh, Roll (Woman Man?) and Mega Man.
Mega Man, the tragedy of your existence knows no limits and the sickness of your methodology cannot be understated. You travel across the world, tireless, reckless, jumping from platform to platform on a homicidal mission to eradicate each and every entity that challenges your dark doctor. You are blind to the same patterns surfacing annually, unable or unwilling to understand that you are the hunter, you are the threat. Dr. Light, we can see from the raw numbers, is the lesser scientist. Consider as well that when Mega Man takes off his helmet, he reveals a mat of thick black hair. Mega Man, unlike these others, is just as much man as he is mega machine. Dr. Light, unable to recreate Wily’s true artificial consciousnesses, settled for experimentation on a living breathing human being. As if the disturbing grafting of mega buster onto fleshy arm, the twisted contortions of a harmless household pet into a submarine, jet, and oversized spring - as if that wasn’t enough, he sent you Mega Man, and your friend and your brother on a killing spree the likes of which the world has never seen. All because he couldn’t compete in the free market! You were so blind, confused by words like “world domination” and “crimes" that it cost the remaining shreds of your humanity.
So I say to you lazy button-pressing enablers out there that we must st-
What? What is that? I was just-
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Yeah. Yeah! Pow pow. I am Mega MAN!
Daannaaah, dananana na naah, dwaa na na NA. Dwa da da da da Da! Dwa dadada da DA! Dwaah da da do da do da! Dla do da, dodo Da! DA! DADA do da dodo da, do DA! DAAAA do daaaaa do dwada do do DA! Balloodooda. Ba-dada da da! Ba-dada da da! Ba-dada-dada- da! Baaddada!