Downsizing Government v. KBA


(Be sure to check out The Scott 200 at the bottom!)

The federal government can slim down in its operations and size by 5%, but a small agency will open up with the sole function of regulating you (the Kyle Blackburn Administration a.k.a. KBA). It’ll fall under a much larger department (Commerce maybe?), and will have a staff between 5-10 people. The KBA will provide regulation, oversight and guidance on you and your life. Do you take this deal?
— Mikey

What kind of things does this department do? 5-10 people just regulating my life?  Is their goal to restrict my personal freedoms well beyond other US citizens or is it just extreme policing?  If they are creating new Kyle regulations to restrict my actions, how does my freedom compare to that of say a federal prison inmate?

They’ll do analyses and studies to try and find ways for you to succeed. Their goal is for you to live your best life and that may require some regulation. It would probably restrict freedoms, but it’s not like someone will be following you around 24/7. Your freedom is much better than a federal prison inmate, but it could very well be reduced.
— Mikey

This hypothetical is simultaneously easy to answer and borderline impossible to answer.  What you seem to be weighing is the degree of my selflessness against my hatred for having my personal freedoms restricted, understanding somewhat my beliefs that our federal government is massive, wasteful, getting larger and more inefficient every year, and needs to be scaled back dramatically.  You could have said 1% instead of 5% and I would have agreed to this deal.  You could have said one tenth of one percent and I would have agreed to it.  

Downsizing Government v KBA.jpg

The federal government employs 2.7 million people by their own estimation and that doesn’t include members of any of the branches of our military nor does it include contractors whose sole clients are the federal government.  I’m also not factoring in state and local governments because you specified federal, but if you’re considering how many public employees our nation really has, that would add to the number considerably.  This is all in a population of some 300 million people.  The spending the federal government deemed mandatory in 2015 was marked at 2.45 trillion dollars and there was an additional 1.1 trillion discretionary, unfathomable numbers.  Keep in mind as well that 6% of that goes just to paying the interest on our national debt, several hundred billion dollars.  If you divide this spending by the number of employees in the federal government, they would each get to choose how to spend about 1.3 million dollars.  This is not a realistic figure determining anyone’s individual power, but it does give a good sense of how much in terms of power and resources this body is throwing around and it helps because, again, the numbers are difficult to wrap your mind around.  However, our politicians in the last fifty years or more seem to have collectively decided that this is not nearly enough resources for their tastes and have left the nation 20 trillion dollars in debt, which is now larger than the nation’s entire GDP.

This is in a nation where congressional approval rating is maybe 15% at any given time, only 50% of people trust the judiciary, and the celebrity game show host Republican president defeated the career Democrat dynasty empress in the last presidential election when more than 50% of voters had unfavorable views towards both candidates.  She’s gone on to have her fourth memoir in the last ten years ghostwritten, which includes a line about how she doesn’t feel comfortable talking about herself as well as a hilarious misinterpretation of the book 1984 and he’s gone on to troll the NFL for their anthem kneeling and recently mentioned in a Wall Street Journal interview that he “knows more about wedges than anyone in the world.”  The three departments of our federal government that use the bulk of these resources are Social Security, HHS, and the military.  I’ll not comment precisely on how and why the military could be scaled back, but I will add that their insistence on upgrading every facet of their armed force constantly has left a surplus of war supplies which get sold to local police and SWAT units and is largely responsible for the civil strife our citizens feel with regard to the men and women that are supposed to be domestic peacekeepers.  Under the Obama Administration HHS’s scope increased catastrophically as they removed our people’s freedom to choose not to have health insurance, while simultaneously creating a cronyist marketplace, difficult to use, socially inefficient, that above all empowers companies like United Health Care, Aetna, and Humana to jack up their prices, knowing the choices of their consumers have been forcefully limited.  Worst of all is the Social Security Administration, which is nothing more than a nation-wide pyramid scheme, failing to understand that the next generation of elderly is going to be larger than the one before it, so we can’t simply take money from one or two generations back and give it to our society’s current old population and expect long-term viability.  I also have a personal grievance against the ethics of social security since it sacrifices the well-being of the young for the well-being of the old, and I believe, societally, we should be making sacrifices for our children not having them make sacrifices for us.  Departments with lesser spending are often equally bad or worse.  You are well aware of my belief that the US Department of Education and all of its programs should be shut down.

So would I take this deal, reducing the size of this - thing - by 5%.  Yes.  Yes, I’d probably walk up to the Washington Monument with a shotgun and smear my brains across the marble to accomplish such a task.

The reason your question is also borderline impossible to answer is because the Kyle Blackburn Administration is so confusing.  5-10 people, all requiring salaries of say $30,000 yearly, expectations of benefits, health care, pensions, increased at 2-3% clip annually, and that’s all before the department’s budgetary expenses to monitor my life, run studies to see where I’ve done well in the past and where I’ve failed, and implement policy changes that dictate my future actions.  All for the societal good of believing they know what is better for me and for everyone around me than I could possibly know because they’re experts in Kyle Blackburn.  My freedoms COULD be reduced?  Are you kidding?  They’re telling me what to do and what not to do.  That’s the whole point of their existence.  What tremendous fear must one have in the thoughts and actions of others to assume they don’t know what is best for their own lives and thus must be controlled to such a degree.  And of course, even in the event that I accepted the creation of the KBA, how long before one of its members recognized the obviousness of the truth, which is that it would be far cheaper and easier to simply pay me to do nothing whatsoever.  They can sit around, I can sit around, and collectively we can all pretend that our world, our society, doesn’t actually have needs and desires that I could potentially fulfill.

THE SCOTT 200

Questions I'd need answered first:

 

About the Office of Kyle Blackburn (OKB): 

  • Under what statutory authority does the Office of Kyle Blackburn operate? 
  • Is its head an official appointed by the president and confirmed by the Senate? Are they a appointee operating an independent agency at the discretion of the President? Or are they appointed under the discretionary hiring authority of a different public official? If so, which one. 
  • Does the OKB have to comply with all parts of the Administrative Procedures Act (APA) and the Paperwork Reduction Act (PRA), including but not limited to: Office of Management of Budget (OMB) Review of Proposed Rules, Prescribed Public Comment Periods, Specific Analyses requirements as prescribed in parts 3 and 7 of APA, and Statements of Financial Impact?
  • In particular, Does the Office of Information and Regulatory Affairs have central review authority over proposed regulations emerging from OKB? 
  • Is the OKB subject to FOIA? 
  • How does Congress fund the OKB? Is its funding independent of Congressional Continuing Resolutions a la the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau (CFPB) and the Security and Exchange Commission (SEC)? Or is the office subject to the budgetary discretion of it's department's acting head, a la the National Cancer Institute (NCI) or Administration for Child and Families (ACF)? Or is it's funding squirreled away in some budgetary black hole a la the Presidio Trust or the Election Assistance Commission (EAC)?

About the 5 percent decrease in spending:

  • Over what time frame will the decrease in spending occur? 
  • What is the baseline for these cuts? Is this spending based on current year budgetary responsibilities? Current year outlays? Baseline budget projections (as projected by the CBO)?  Expected budget projections? Or based on the last enacted Congressional budget that met the Congressional responsibilities of the Congressional Budget and Impoundment Control Act of 1974?
  • How do we measure the decrease? In raw dollar numbers? As a percent of GDP? In inflation-adjusted dollars? In an inflation adjusted basket of currencies, intent on reflecting world prices?
  • Does operationally imposing these cuts also give me fiat power to control decision making by the Fed? How about tax policy? How about legal decisions resulting from lawsuits impacted by spending decrease decisions?
  • Do I have fiat power to dictate the nature of cuts departmentally? Do I have to abide by the regulations of the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC) and its underlying statutory authority? Do I have to comply with the American with Disabilities Act (ADA) and the 60 years of case law regarding its breadth?  How about Title XII of the Civil Rights Act? How about the Equal Pay Act?
  • Do I have to follow Congressional PayGo Budgeting Rules? Do I have to abide by previous sequestrations?
  • Do I have to comply with previously signed treaty agreements between the U.S. and allied nations - most importantly the South East Asia Treaty Organization (SEATO) and the North Atlantic Treaty Organization (NATO)?
  • To what extent can the decrease be diffused by limiting or delimiting states from certain spending areas? That is, if I, for example, descheduled marijuana, enacted rules forcing states to criminalize marijuana as a provision of receiving Medicaid funding (like we do with speed limits) and then eliminated funding for FBI drug prosecutions and federal courts, would that count as a spending decrease even though state expenses would necessarily rise to meet the new requirement, probably at a higher rate due to a lack of economies of scale?

A lot of the answers to these questions matter a ton in my final decision. I'd say the most likely outcome however is - yes, take the OKB and the 5 percent decrease.

On the one hand, the decrease will likely have almost no effect in practice because without fundamental reform to how the political system as a whole operates and a change in public expectation about what government's fundamental purpose is, you can't simply "cut government." All of the cuts will be done with accounting tricks, most likely sending outlays to budgetary years outside of whatever budget window you choose to look at.

On the other hand, the OKB will almost immediately be subject to regulatory capture by invested industries - because of its small scope far more quickly than larger bodies. And since the ultimate invested industry in the Office of Kyle Blackburn is Kyle Blackburn, it will be very easy to use the regulatory frameworks to create an organization that benefits you dramatically, probably at a relatively minor expense to the taxpayer. No matter who is in charge of the agency, they know their continued funding is necessitated by a single thing, making sure Kyle Blackburn doesn't become unhappy enough to alert congress to the organization's existence and force enough political pressure to shutter their agency and put them out of the job. That gives you incredible leverage to do what you want, and probably enables you to extract federal resources. Inevitably, the regulations that are "best" for Kyle will almost assuredly be things like, "give Kyle a $100,000 grant to self publish a novel" and "give Kyle equal opportunity by forcing publishers to read his manuscripts or making Borders and Amazon dedicate a shelf to his books."

After all, the best thing for Kyle cannot get better than "Kyle does whatever he wants, and a federal agency makes sure all of his decisions have no downside risk."

Browns 0-16 v. Shameful Falls


Would you rather the Browns go winless this season OR once per week, for 16 out of 17 weeks, you have a very public, dramatic and shameful wipeout.  Picture something like when Charlie Brown tries to kick the football or when a generic cartoon character steps on a banana peel.  You get to pick the one week when you don’t wipeout (your “bye” week).  It has to be in a public place, so if you decide to be a total hermit and never leave your room for 16 weeks to avoid this, you’ll still have to take the falls when you start reintegrating into society.  You don’t get to pick when you fall.
— Mikey

Can I get clarification on the falls?  By "take falls" do you mean I choose the time and place and enact a public shame fall?  Or is it more that I ensure a win at some point in the Browns season with this Faustian fall bargain and the devil's due is that once a week, when I'm in public and ill-prepared, I wipe out?  And am I ensured that I won't seriously hurt myself?

It’s a Faustian fall bargain where you’re ill-prepared.  It’s not a staged fall.  You won’t have like, a Million Dollar Baby fall, but you might go down and bang your knee up pretty bad, causing you to feel it for a while.  Or maybe you only hurt your pride.  Depends on the fall!
— Mikey

I’d take the falls.  Sixteen isn’t bad, and I’m pretty well-balanced.  Whenever in the past, I’ve started to fall, I’ve been able to catch myself.  Now I assume my bargain means I can’t actually do that - upper body must hit pavement or whatever surface is below me - but I think it does indicate that I’ll probably be able to mitigate annoyingly serious damage using my instincts.  The shame I don’t mind as much.  Who am I trying to impress out there in the world?  And everyone enjoys a good fall story.  I’d accrue a bunch of them.

The Browns going winless is an upsetting concept for a few reasons.  One is just the city’s shame of propping up a franchise that can’t scrape together a single win in a sport where people profess that anything can happen on “any given Sunday.”  They’ll have to rewrite that saying to: “Anything can happen on any given Sunday, except The Browns winning.”  Another problem we’ve already seen come to pass and the winless season isn’t yet secured.  Haslam fired GM Sashi Brown even though the problem with the team isn’t the talent they put out on the field.  They’re losing fluke games in high-variance ways.  Total wins isn’t the best metric when trying to evaluate future success, but someone like Haslam can’t actually listen to reason on that front.  I know because I argue with a similar personality in my father all the time.  What we want is to succeed in the future, and we’re in a constant state of rebuilding because we never give any group of people enough time to actually rebuild.  Yet people see 0-16 and go, “Fire everything!”  Unless this firing and the inevitable subsequent ones lead to BETTER hires, we’ll see The Browns regress.  Sounds weird if you’re 0-16, but I’ve seen much worse Browns teams than this one.  I’d rather replay this season then suffer through teams Ray Farmer fielded or endure Eric Mangini’s coaching ineptitude again.

Most importantly though is just the simple fact that The Browns losses create more heartache for the people in my city than most realize.  This is a crazily loyal fanbase choking on the polluted byproducts of a factory of misery.  If I could do something selfless to diminish even a tiny fraction of that, I would.

Browns Super Bowl v Tribe Prospects


Despite a bad season, the Browns can be inserted into this year’s Super Bowl against either of the teams that make it. OR For next season the Indians can impress one player from each division in the American League. If you choose this you have to identify each player. Which do you pick?
— Mikey

Quite obviously I’d go with the Browns Super Bowl.  Hear me out.  The problem with The Indians this year was not a lack of talent.  They had a World Series winning caliber team, but baseball’s just a sport  where things don’t fall your way in the postseason a lot of the time.  They can get there again without cherry-picking great players around the league.

Browns Super Bowl v Tribe Prospects.jpg

The Browns, on the other hand, are special.  This is a (currently) 0-10 team with a lot of good players that is also among the worst I’ve seen ever.  They’re bad in spectacular ways.  Quarterback play is atrocious, they have no play-making receivers, and their good defense is weak only in the area of giving up long passes over the middle of the field.  Not to mention, the franchise has a history of losing in the most depressing and creative ways imaginable.  To get the opportunity to see not just the team lose in the Super Bowl, but to see precisely how the team could lose - wow.  Whatever they did on that field would make the disappointment of other games - Bottlegate, the Dwayne Rudd helmet toss, the game-winning field goal blocked and returned for a TD against Baltimore, the Derek Anderson 5 INT to just miss the playoffs game, the Denver overtime fiasco of 2016, the 2013 Patriots comeback, the Bears two touchdowns with a minute to play win, the Kellen Winslow game-winning catch overturned that inspire the forced out of bounds rule change, the Hue Jackson icing a missed game-winning kick so the Titans got another try, the loss to Cincinnati where The Browns put up 48, the loss to Pittsburg week one in 1999 with a brand new team falling just short 43-0 - the disappointment of other games look like stepping in a puddle of water.  It would be the best super bowl ever.  Cleveland fans would nod and laugh, but the rest of the country filled with people who aren’t used to that shit would watch until their eyes bled.  That’s what they need and it’s something only The Browns could provide.

WS v. Adviser of Mayor Lebron


You must choose either: 1. The Indians will win at least one WS soon with this core of players (not by any nefarious or goofy means, they’ll win and you won’t remember having made this deal). In the ensuing hysteria, Cleveland elects a mayor who dresses up as Chief Wahoo, face paint and all, calls himself Chief Wahoo and ‘acts’ how he thinks Chief Wahoo would act if he came to life, saying insensitive and useless things like “Chief Wahoo promise to trade for wampum for his Cleveland tribe.” OR 2. After his playing career, LeBron gets elected mayor of Cleveland and gives you a position as one of his advisers. You must work in this role for at least two years.
— Mikey

These are fairly close.  The tipping point is that I get to be one of Lebron’s advisers, which would mean that I’m employed, get to know and spend time with Lebron James (and all the benefits that surely come with that) and get to influence the mayor of Cleveland with my ideas.  I don’t think Lebron would be a great mayor - I’m fairly sure he’s celebrity liberal with all the hijacked moral high ground beliefs in institutional problems.  This also usually means an accompanying tendency to point towards government intervention, programs, and regulation to solve perceived problems as opposed to a tendency to push for a freer society.  But he’s shown signs of intelligence and wisdom in his life, and I’d get to give my input before he does something like appoint Board of Education chairmen that support Common Core or lockout a developer from bulldozing the Burke Lakefront Airport and turning it into a series of waterside apartments.  I doubt he’d be a worse mayor under those conditions than some racially insensitive asshole doing rain dances while refusing to properly conjugate verbs or refer to himself in the first person.  The reason it’s close is I’d have to, in two years as a mayoral adviser, do more good to the city of Cleveland than would be done by an Indians World Series win and a World Series win would do a lot of good, even if it also sent the sports media into an agonizing spiral of Native American obsession, accusations of racism, and demands on private organizations not conducive to a free world.  I think I might be able to.  Mayor James, might I suggest getting rid of our city income tax?

Renegade Survivalists v. Stranger Beating


You’re kidnapped by a renegade survivalist group and transported to the middle of the desert in Utah. By and large they stay in their own compound and prepare for nuclear destruction. Quality of life is decent, grow/ raise their own food, responsible for their own water and electricity, slow internet hookup though. They also take hardcore drugs and then all sleep amongst each other (60/40 ratio men to women roughly). They give you two options. Stay and live with them for 10 years. Or. They present a chained up guy to you, who you have to just beat the shit out of. You don’t know if he did anything wrong to them, or anyone. Maybe, maybe not, he could just be some guy. If you choose to beat the shit out of him, they’ll let you go. What do you do?
— Mikey

I'd beat the shit out of the guy and feel no remorse.  The crazies are responsible for the guy's wrongful or maybe rightful imprisonment and subsequent beating, not me.  Plus I have confidence I could avoid most really long term damage.

On the other hand the life in the Utah desert doesn't sound unbearable, but ten years is way too long to burn.  I could just skip the drugs, but a lot of burdens would soon fall on me as the most responsible cultist.

Lebowski v. Lebowski


If you had to be one of the characters from the Big Lebowski in this world, who would it be and why? To clarify, you are not that character in the movie, you’re that character in the world today. So if you pick Jesus Quintana (which would be a surprising choice), you like to bowl, talk a lot of sexually explicit trash and are a pederast, but you live in Ohio.
— Mikey

Jackie Treehorn.  Because Jackie Treehorn treats objects like women... man.

Lebowski v Lebowski PCV.jpg

Fallout v. Deadspace


You have to chose between living in these two bad video game universes: 8 years in Fallout 3 or 24 hours in that game you wanted to play me to play with the lights out (forgot it’s name, but it is basically Event Horizon with more aliens in video game form.) What do you choose?
— Mikey
Fallout v Deadspace PCv.jpg

I'm making a few assumptions in my answer that I think you'll find acceptable.  1) I'm assuming that second game is Deadspace, grotesque alien horror, really violent.  Yeah.  2) I'm assuming that this is a no extra-life no save and replay situation.  I die, i die.  3) I'm assuming that this is a real life representation of these worlds.  Living in them as if they were reality as the developers imagined them.

That said, 24 hours in Deadspace.  I'll take my chances.  And let me be clear, my chances of survival are next to nothing, but if I do survive my necromorph disaster, there are parts of the Deadspace universe where life continues essentially normally.  Even a high-tech enjoyable life of luxury in a futuristic society.  Those are not the experiences of protagonist Isaac Clark, but I could hope that I could maneuver my way around the terrifying man-hunting alien virus and evil cultists and find a spaceship to something better.  If not, 24 hours might be plausible to wait it out.

It would be far easier to survive the Fallout universe but less enjoyable to do so and not for eight fucking years.  Christ, it's still a total post-apocalyptic wasteland infested with radioactive scorpions the size of buses, fire breathing ants, mutants who carry sledgehammers and say things like, "I will wear your bones around my neck," and cannibals.  Something would get me eventually.  And even if it didn't, life for those years would be terrible.

Plus the girls in the Deadspace universe seem more attractive.  Well... at least until they sprout an extra row of teeth and tentacular razor swords from their shoulder blades.

Food v. Food


You have to pick five foods for you and Maisy to be restricted to eat for the rest of your lives. If you pick chicken you can have all kinds of chicken, grilled, fried, etc but a chicken and bacon club sandwich counts as more than one food. You can add all types of spices to every meal. What five foods do you pick?
— Mikey

Your question is a little confusing because I'm allowed to have the foods prepared some ways but not others.  For example fried chicken would need to be battered and maybe breaded.  Can I have any amount of flour without flour being one of my ingredients?  What about bread crumbs?  If I can have bread crumbs, do I automatically get bread?

Assuming that the question is about choosing five key ingredients and discludes dessert, (with sugar, flour, cream, and eggs you can make a ton of amazing stuff) here is my list.

 

Chicken

Steak (which could be ground into ground beef)

Potatoes

Cheese

Lobster

With that and spices - I'd only be really really really sad... not suicidal.

Writing v. Tebow


You learn you could make it as a writer for as long as you’d like, but only if you write about Tim Tebow. It can be an extensive series, but Tim Tebow has to be a very prominent character in every story. Do you do it?
— Mikey
Tebow v Writing PCV.jpg

No.  That's a sad thought.  I'd choose to do something else with my life.  Tim Tebow just isn't that interesting.  Even the Tebow phenomena isn't that interesting anymore.

Tax Cuts v. Spin Moves


You can decrease your tax burden by one percent at each level of government IF you are willing to hit a random stranger with a spin move every single day for that fiscal year. It has to be someone you don’t know and you can’t knowingly repeat. Do you do it?
— Mikey

Yes, I would spin move hit a stranger every day for a year to decrease the tax burden by one percent at each level.  On the one hand, of course I would just because I fully believe that the overall societal good done by getting the money out of the government's hands into the hands of the people vastly outweighs the negative of having 365 people hit by me on a random day.  We're talking about billions of dollars that people get to decide what to do with using their best judgment instead of pissing it away on wasteful or unsustainable programs probably in the military, HHS, or Social Security.  Just a 1% decrease across the board would be amazing for the well being of the nation.

On the other hand, it's valuable to analyze the cost of the spin-move.  So what are we really talking about here with regard to the hit?  Well, we're talking about basically assault, effectual or ineffectual, and with that comes a large degree of personal risk.  Even though I'm confident in my ability not to seriously hurt anyone doing some silly karate move on them, a lot could still go wrong.  If I get to choose the location and time and the stranger, then I'm even confident that I could go the whole year without winding up in prison or with a hefty fine.  If someone else is choosing, well then I'm just biting the bullet and doing some time and making America great again.  You're welcome.  But if I can choose, I'd spend hours and hours each day scouting locations and potential candidates, trying to find people with senses of humor, people who kind of expect that they might get randomly attacked and wouldn't mind, people who probably wouldn't report the crime and/or run after me, and people who suck and deserve to be spin-move hit.  I'm thinking college campuses would be a really great place to start.  You think anyone would care if I busted a frat guy in the face with a weak twirling kick?  I doubt it.  And if that started to cause problems, well then I could always attack tax accountants and small business owners and then drop a flier that says, "I saved you money, here's why!" and then run away.  They'd rub their shoulder and go, "Totally worth it.  Thank you!"

You misunderstood what I meant by “hit someone with a spin move”, though in re-reading what I wrote I totally understand why. I’m talking about if you go up to someone on the street, at the park, at a mall. etc... and spin around them, as if you’re a running back athletically avoiding a defender. This would likely create awkwardness every time you did it. Though based on the fact that you’d be willing to assault 365 people, I imagine this is no problem for you.
— Mikey

A safe assumption.

Zorg v. Ruby Rod


Which character from the Fifth Element would you rather hang out with? Gary Oldman’s character (is his name Zorg?) for a month straight or Ruby Rod (Chris Tucker!) on weekends for one calendar year.
Zorg v Ruby Rod.jpg

Ruby Rod on weekends.  He'd get pretty annoying but I could tolerate it in short bursts and my weekends would be interesting.  I'd be worried Zorg would want me to do some contract killing or off me for my general dislike of authority.  Plus there's the whole "allies with a planet consuming evil" thing that might get in the way of us just casually hanging out.

Why not Lilu?  I feel like the fifth element would be would be kind of into me.

Acta Handjobs v. Child Obscenity


First option: You become Manny Acta’s assistant (even though nobody knows what he’s doing right now). This includes gopher tasks and maybe more intellectually stimulating things. You may even get to meet some famous ballplayers. You can bring Maisy with you to work and are compensated $75,000 for a baseball seasons worth of work. This task also includes the occasional handjo. Second option: The first words you have to teach your children are swear words. Fuck, shit, motherfucker, asshat, etc... You have to emphasize that they use these words before others. Things can occur naturally, like if your kids really want to say dada that’s okay. But you have to try to get them to swear all through the language learning phase.
— Mikey
Acta Handjobs v Child Obscenity.jpg

The second option isn't that bad.  People would think it was funny unless they were humorless, and when my kids reached an age when they needed to know when to use certain words over others, they'd have an extensive vocabulary regardless of what I'd taught them first.  Also, you may be overestimating the amount parents sit down and teach their babies language.  Language get's absorbed through the natural speech of the parents and family.  My kids are gonna learn swear words but they'll also be dropping lest into their conversations.  That's just going to evolve naturally.

East v. West


If you had to change your name to one of the names from Key & Peele’s East West Bowl, what name would it be? You can’t choose D’Marcus Williums or T.J. Juckson.
— Mikey
East v West.jpg

I would choose Dan Smith - lame as that may be, do you really want your name to be a joke?  If I had to choose one of the ridiculous names then I would go with either Leoz Maxwell Jilliumz because they could call me Leo and it’s a great name or I'd go with Swirvithan L'Goodling-Splatt because it’s the best.  In that last case I'd request everyone calls me by my full name at all times.  I would not respond to just Swirvithan.

House v. Season Tickets


Choose one: You get a free, paid off house in the location of your choosing (no mortgage). No strings attached. Or: You get good season tickets (4 seats) to the team of your choice, 1 per calendar year. You also get a food & drink voucher worth $25 per game and a parking pass. You can pick a new team every year if you’d like. You can do this for life. What do you pick?
— Mikey

House.  I want to live by the water in peace.  And even if I had the tickets, Cleveland teams would still lose.  Both would be nice though.

FDR Punch v. Straws


Would you go back to the 1920’s and take a potshot at FDR (during the time when he had polio) and then immediately return to the present day if you had to drink every drink for the rest of your life with a straw?
— Mikey
FDR punch v straw PCV.jpg

It's a great question Mikey, and I'm really glad you've asked it.  I see the problem as a threefold:

1)  What are the personal repercussions of taking a potshot at the man who many view as an American hero who I see as the father of the loan generation, the generation that borrowed from me and my fellow young people and now can't pay back.  From a logistical standpoint, I'd be arrested, imprisoned, and/or shot in (I assume you meant) the 30's no less, which would definitely be a downside, but you did stipulate that I'd be immediately teleported back to present day, which would presumably prevent those back-in-time legal and physical issues to my person.  Yet, there's no statute of limitations on assault, so could be that I'd be arrested in 2017 for punching FDR in 1934, and imprisoned now, which makes the whole straw thing a moot point.  Drink from a straw, not from a straw, who gives a shit if I have to do 5-15 in a West Virginian prison?  All this leads to a tentative, "rather not."

2)  But the bigger issue is, what are the global repercussions, and that becomes a complex matter of time travel paradoxes and the butterfly effect, for which I and no one has a clear answer.  The potential damage to the universe of me taking a potshot at FDR is catastrophic, especially considering I'd be physically attacking a sickly old man in a wheelchair right before the greatest armed conflict and moral battle of world conquest in the history of our species.  That leads to a less tentative "no" on the hypothetical.  Again, the issue of the straw drinking becomes largely irrelevant next to something as horrifying as the axis powers winning World War II or The Milky Way imploding because I ripped a hole in reality through which all nearby stars were pulled into an unfathomable realm of unbeing.  At the very least, if I have the power to go back and punch historical figures from the era and I really wanted to risk disrupting the fabric of space and time, I'd punch Hitler.  But that's beyond the confines of your hypothetical and so I apologize for the digression.

3)  If you suppose that the punching is going to have no meaningful impact on history or reality, then the hypothetical becomes a little more tenable.  I'd say "no" it's not worth it for me to punch a guy with whose policies, that are now several decades old, I firmly disagree, if I then have to drink from a straw for every drink for the rest of my life.  I might enjoy the moment, but I'd not suffer the humiliation of drinking beer from a straw until the day I die.  That'd be awful.  And Pepsi and lemonade iced tea in my own home, with my own glasses, with my high quality filtered ice, with a straw?  Abhorrent.  I don't like these social programs, but I really don't like straws.  Now, if I was able to bring a friend with me and he could film the repercussionless potshot on my iphone and then that footage could be uploaded to YouTube and turn me not only into a semi-sadistic celebrity overnight but also a symbol of free market politics and generational justice, I'd change my mind on the issue.  Not because that alone outweighs the fucking straw, but because such fame would make it much easier to publish my novels.

Ice Cream v. Beer


You can only eat ice cream or drink beer going forward in life. Which one do you choose?
— Mikey
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Ice cream.  Assuming that you mean I have to decide between giving up ice cream forever versus giving up beer forever, but with the rest of my diet remaining unaffected, I would give up beer.  I like ice cream more.  Though not much more.

If you mean that I'm only allowed to consume all ice cream or all beer then I also choose ice cream.  Both options would likely lead to my imminent death, but ice cream would be slower and I might survive if I was allowed to have all ranges of exotic favors.  This ice cream has steak in it and green beans!

Cloned v. Uncloned Lebron


You get to make this choice: LeBron can be cloned and his clone can only be signed by the Cavs. The process requires LeBron to take next season off for the procedure and recovery, and for LeBron’s clone to also be unavailable for next season. They will both be available to the Cavs for the 2018-19 season. Do you clone LeBron? Feel free to ask any clarifying questions.
— Mikey
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Is the purpose of the clones to extend Lebron's career potentially indefinitely?  Or is the purpose so that Lebron can play alongside Lebron?  Do stats for the clones get recorded separately?  Do the clones have any special connection or is it just weird for Lebron to talk to himself and hang out with himself?  Is Lebron the only person in the world getting cloned or that can ever be cloned?

I should clarify, there’s only one clone of LeBron. The procedure will work, but it’s deemed too unsafe to try again. Also, he’s cloned from where he is in life right now. So I don’t think that’s the purpose. Yes, the LeBron clone would play alongside LeBron. Or, that is to say, on the same team. Maybe “Coach” Lue will have the clone spell original LeBron so that there’s always a LeBron on the floor. Stats get recorded separately, but the LeBrons are tricksters so sometimes they like to switch things around so that people don’t know which one is the original and which one is the clone. No, they cannot communicate telepathically, nor do they have any special connection. LeBron is not necessarily the only person in the world getting cloned, nor is he the only person that can ever be cloned. That said, nobody is getting cloned by this method in the recent future.
— Mikey

So, in short, no, I wouldn't clone Lebron.  Earlier in his career maybe, but the tough reality is that his best years are behind him so missing one from this point onward is impactful.  But that's not the primary factory. I wouldn't want to clone Lebron because he's already the best athlete I've ever seen, already provided me with more entertainment than perhaps any other single person, and I don't need a clone to amplify that and I don't want a clone to muddy those waters.  Also of note, who am I to make such an impactful decision for him.  That seems like something he and his family should decide.  However, being able to be in two places at once might do wonders for his acting career.

Game of Thrones Spoilers v. Banned Books


Would you rather learn about what’s been happening on the Game of Thrones show, or lead an effort to ban specific books that you don’t like?
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I'd rather learn what's happening on Game of Thrones.  This demonstrates my selfless nature.  It'd be worse for me personally, but no books should be banned.  Who am I, who is anyone, to say books shouldn't be read, even ones I don't like.  Especially ones I don't like.  The number of people in power who've damaged the world because they wanted to stop other people from engaging with something they personally don't approve of is innumerable.  The instinct to control others instead of letting them control themselves is the worst of human instincts.  And the wise have learned that tremendous value can be gained from the thoughts and stories of those with whom you generally dislike and disagree.

Costner v. Crowe


Either Kevin Costner or Russell Crowe is your father (from birth). Which one do you pick?
— Mikey
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I don't know about the personalities of either man, but the just based on the movies each is in I think I have more similar tastes and sensibilities to Crowe.  Also Crowe is perhaps a bit more successful, which has more tangible monetary rewards.  With regard to who would be the better father, it's a toss up.  They both seem like stern yet compassionate men who would encourage success from their children.  At no slight to my own father, they both seem fine choices.  

NCAA Shill v. Homoeroticism


You must choose between the following: you become a paid shill for the NCAA. This means that you have to travel the country promoting NCAA policies and vouch for its usefulness and mission. This includes going on TV for panel shows and interviews in addition to giving presentations at conferences and universities. You are away from home 3-4 out of 5 work days and you are paid $70,000 a year after taxes. Your other option is that you have to have balls in your face for 3 minutes in a row, once a month for a full year. You don’t get to choose when this happens. Which do you choose?
— Mikey
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I choose balls in face.  That's not a thousandth as gross as being a relatively low paid shill for the NCAA.  Plus, the job takes me away from Maisy a lot.  Even more horrifying.  NCAA has policies I don't believe in and I think are bad for millions of people.  It's very hard to get me to compromise my ethics.  I'd rather be in the Dark Knight Rises prison again.