K-SCORE: 28
Rapper: Birdman
Birdmanand Lil' Wayne. Father and Son. This classic tandem has been at it for, what is it now, a couple years? Maybe 10? Their song Pop Bottles is a daring underdog tale about overcoming incredible odds to achieve a noble goal. Just kidding, it's about drinking and being rich. And running "up in yo' mansion". It's also about that. Let's read Kyle's thoughts.
-Mike
Birdman, I don’t know why you decided to make this song, but I know that your friends, if you have any, should keep sharp objects, electrical appliances, and belts away from you because you’ve been feeling really blue recently, haven’t you? Pop Bottles has this simple, pretty lazy beat, terrible chorus, and mediocre to bad rap verses, so it’s not doing well overall, but what really strikes me is one line, “I’d rather pop a bottle before I pop a gat.” The only alternative you can come up with to shooting people is getting drunk on champagne and shots of hard liquor? There should be more rap songs where rappers talk about how all of this celebrity rapper leisure activity seemed great but now there’s a void inside that they can’t fill. That’s what’s missing from this song. It’s so transparent that these behaviors are awful, and yet neither Birdamn, Lil Wayne, or the golem who recorded the chorus can see this.
Look, normally I wouldn’t go after you so brutally for Pop Bottles, which is mostly harmless compared to other rap, but I keep picking up on these little details in the song that just make me hate its message and hate its form more and more over time.
The structure of this thing is uninteresting, and becomes worse as you hit the replay button. Is it just me, or do you, The Birdman, manage to speak slower and slower with each successive listen-through? You sound drunk when you recorded this, so I’m not surprised by your lazy, uncreative rhymes like “back” with “back” with “that” and “jet” with “jet” with “bets” with “yet.” It’s not like the beat behind you is zipping along or changing around on you in this song, Birdman. You couldn’t come up with more than some boring, repeated, one-syllable rhymes in your two verses? And while, I’m on the subject, you only have two verses. I bet I’ve already written more words in this review than you wrote for your entire portion of the song, and you get the lead credit.
I could get over the sluggishness of Pop Bottles and the mediocre sound would even make it more enjoyable to listen to than some, were it not for the message, which is pathetic verging on tragic. “Start with straight shots and then pop bottles. Flirt with the hood rats and then pop models.” That’s repeated over and over in the chorus, and it’s mixed in with verses on the same exact subject matter only with little allusions to what’s really going on in your life, avian dude. And your life is depressing and frighteningly unhealthy. You manage to mention in your two minutes of work “sh*tting in a jail cell,” “your cars are automatics” (so not sports cars), and you “don’t even drive” you’d rather get drunk than fire a gun, but you’re “packing” so I guess that dismal dream wasn’t fulfilled, and regarding your finances you “aint make enough yet.” The only thing that feels like a declaration as opposed to a miserable account of your life is when you repeatedly shout “I am the Birdman” in the chorus. I can just envision the dark corner you went to after you created this song where you guzzled cheap champagne, cried, whispered to yourself, “My name’s not Bryan… It’s Birdman. Birdman!” and then passed out. Rinse. Repeat. Like the feel of this song.
Amazingly, Lil’ Wayne, you’re worse. Your verse has no meaningful content, and your voice is more annoying. Stop forcing alcohol down women’s throats. In fact, you shouldn’t be around women, altogether.
Gee, I really hope my negative review of Pop Bottles isn't the straw that breaks the camels back, so to speak, sending Birdman to even more depressing places. Keep your chin up buddy. Maybe one of the “hood rats” will learn to love you.