K-SCORE: 8
Director: David Mackenzie
Writer: Jason Hall
Starring: Ashton Kutcher, Anne Heche, Margarita Levieva, Sebastian Stan
Spoiler Level: Minor
“I can’t think of any reason that anyone should watch this film.”
Spread is a film about a homeless Hollywood manwhore.
The characters have very little depth on account of the fact that they have very little to say to one another. They spend a bit of their time having sex, but far more time just brooding about alone. When they do converse, it’s weird. No two people are ever able to talk about the same topic at the same time. It’s a writing style I don’t encounter very often, probably because it’s so ineffective and unnatural. If you came to Spread for the complexity of plot or the action, you came to the wrong place for the wrong reasons. In the most action-packed scene, Ashton Kutcher swims across a small pool once. The entirety of the conflict can be summarized as, “The homeless manwhore protagonist falls in love with a homeless whore. If they get together, they’ll have no money.”
I can’t think of any reason that anyone should watch this film. It’s not funny, it’s not dramatic, it’s not interesting, it’s not exciting. It wouldn’t appeal to those who were hoping for something romantic. It wouldn’t satisfy those who wanted a sexy thriller. It’s not good for young people or an older crowd. Film buffs wouldn’t find anything hidden within the frames. People who are busy making a documentary on Ashton Kutcher’s life and career would likely want to skip this film as it’s not even significant enough in his personal timeline to warrant recognition. Even if you’re currently surviving in LA by seducing wealthy women and then loitering about their fancy houses, you shouldn’t watch this film. It’ll depress you and distract you from your goal - of being a good manwhore.
Again, Spread is a film about a homeless Hollywood manwhore. It never should have been made, and now that it has, it should never be watched.