K-SCORE: 29
Director: Breck Eisner
Writer: Cory Goodman, Matt Sazama, Burk Sharpless
Starring: Vin Diesel, Michael Cain, Rose Leslie, Elijah Wood, Olafur Darri Olafsson, Julie Englebrecht
Spoiler Level: Major
“somehow managed to be boring, convoluted, and predictable”
In The Last Witch Hunter, Vin Diesel plays Kaulder, a member of a 13th century witch raiding party attempting to overthrow the witch queen. Things go awry, and everyone dies except Kaulder, whose fate is so much worse. He’s cursed by the witch queen - ho oh! To… never die. And have sex with twenty to twenty-five-year olds for all eternity. That bitch! But turns out she was just using Kaulder to store her immortality inside him for a while (800 years, I guess) until she found the right bearded guy to crystalize the right black guy that would finalize the ritual that would bring her back. That way she could unleash her bug plague and bring an end to humanity.
Well, I think anyway. Between all the crazy proper nouns and Vin Diesel’s tendency to mumble his dialogue, I’m really not certain what happened. I am certain that there was no reason for them to travel back to the 13th century premise after they’d established Kaulder as the last and one immortal witch hunter. Witch hunter in modern times, 800 year old guy that looks about 40. Got it. I was on board. I was even fine with the sort of generic assortment of tea-leaves, crystal balls, gnats and rats and hocus pocus mumbo jumbo they used in place of actual magic systems of quality. It lost me on its plot, which somehow managed to be boring, convoluted, and predictable, as well as the inept way in which it was shot and edited. I kept doing a double-take and thinking I must have missed a few frames because they refused to do basic shot-countershot association, and the CGI was bad enough to wreck any semblance of setting.
There is a line in this film that I really liked. Just the one. “We must not go back, for there is nothing to go back to.” I’m kinda glad I watched it for that reason. Also because Vin Diesel wears the same attire he does in The Fast and the Furious movies, only with the addition of a flaming sword. It makes me think that those are his clothes. That black suit he wears with the plain black collared shirt, no tie, that’s just Mr. Diesel’s suit, and appropriate for a wide range of occasions. A fine garment.
Also, special shout out to Olafur Darri Olafsson. I don’t know who he played, but he has a great name.