K-SCORE: 53
Director: Jordan Vogt-Roberts
Writer: Dan Gilroy, Max Borenstein, Derek Connolly
Starring: Samuel L. Jackson, John Goodman, John C. Reilly, Tom Hiddleston, Brie Larson, Toby Kebbell, Corey Hawkins, John Ortiz
Spoiler Level: Minor
“That’s exactly what they did in Godzilla.”
The latest iteration of King Kong, like the latest iteration of Godzilla, seems to understand that I’m going to be rooting for the amazing giant animal. How did it get so big? What does it eat? How old is it? Does it want to be my friend and if not can I observe it from a nice vantage point? Where Kong: Skull Island goes wrong is, well, everywhere else. I don’t need them to introduce grosser uglier monsters that King Kong battles on behalf of humans. That’s exactly what they did in Godzilla. These humans are invaders to King Kong’s home. They shoot at him before he attacks them. A few of them irrationally want to hunt him down believing him to be a substantial threat to civilization despite the fact that he’s one ape trapped on an island. So I say let them be the villains - all of them - and let them underestimate Kong’s craftiness and strength at every turn and eventually dispatch each and every one of them. Then let’s watch him eat something and take a nap.
Kong: Skull Island is bananas crazy. Hollywood refuses to make their movies any longer than they have in the past, yet feels they can squeeze more action sequences, more characters played by more stars, more backstories, and more complexity into their plots. It’s so bad now that in this film the hero tracker protagonist middle-aged obligatory white guy has about eight scenes and takes no essential actions. Any and all characters that aren’t King Kong could have been cut and most should have been. A weird amount of time is spent with John C. Reilly’s character, a soldier stranded on the island in 1944 with a 1974 attitude towards the world and 2004 vernacular. But there’s a photojournalist in there too and a war-crazed colonel and a nervous kid soldier and, <sigh> someone emulating the spirit of Vasquez who just wants to blow himself up for his comrades. This is getting completely ridiculous. None of the characters develop. None of them have much depth. And most importantly, none of them had even a remotely good reason for being on the island in the first place.
There are a lot of aspects of the film that aren’t even that bad. It’s got some cool creatures, some nice landscape shots, a decent tone, some exciting action, a few funny lines. It just has a frustrating lack of focus on effective story that makes the overall product-
You know what - no - I’m not doing this anymore. Look, if you’re thinking about or have ever thought about blowing yourself up while surrounded by enemies in the name of the greater good, I and people like me are begging you not to do it. There are people who care about you. Suicide is still a selfish act. Vasquez suicides do not have nearly as high a success rate as you think. You have a long and full life ahead of you. Your team is likely going to make it without needing your sacrifice. You’re not thinking of the emotional damage you’re going to do to them by making them watch you pull the pins from all those grenades and holding them to your chest. Your single life is more valuable than the swarms of enemies you want to kill. They’re numerous and don’t care like we do. With the love and support of your team of other monster fighters, you can silence these Vasquez-suicidal tendencies and get through this, and if you need someone to talk to, call 1-800-273-8255. That’s 1-800-APE-TALK. Again, 1-800-273-8255. We’re here for Vasquezes. We want you at our side, not blown to smithereens, on fire, and blood-smeared across the charred hides of your beastly enemies.