K-SCORE: 97
Writer/Director: David S. Ward
Starring: Tom Berenger, Charlie Sheen, Wesley Snipes, Corbin Bernsen, Rene Russo, Dennis Haybert, James Gammon, Bob Uecker
Spoiler Level: Major (League)
“the Yankees are... pure evil”
“The Indians win it! The Indians win it! Oh my God The Indians win it!” If only it were true. It’s so sad that the end of the fictional Major League is probably the greatest moment in Cleveland sports history in my lifetime.
There’s very little not to love about the island of misfit baseball players that come together to put up a come-from-behind great season of Indians baseball in this classic sports film, even for people that aren’t from the greatest city on the planet. Even my friend Mike, who is from New York, loves Major League, and in it the Yankees are portrayed as pure evil. “He threw at his own kid in a father-son game.”
In addition to being consistently funny throughout the years, the film is quite well put together. The characters are hilarious without being over the top, and there’s an easy sports plot that functions just fine. It’s also perhaps the most quotable film in the history of cinema.
“Forget about the curveball, Ricky. Give him the heater.”
“Hats for bats. Keep bats warm. Gracias.”
“The Indians lose a heart-breaker to the Yankees nine to nothing.”
“Oh, I don’t know. Let me think it over, Charlie. I got a guy on the other line about some white wall. I’ll talk to you later.”
“You put snot on the ball?” / “I haven’t got an arm like yours. I’ll put anything on it I can find. Some day you will too.”
“It is very bad to steal Jobu’s rum. It is very bad.”
“Well, what was I supposed to do? She bet me twenty bucks she had a better body than you and I had to defend your honor.”
“Call the Stewardess, Vaughn. I’m gonna need one of those bags.” / “There aren’t any stewardesses.” / “I wonder if there are any pilots.”
“Let’s see we’ve got one run on… one hit. That’s all we got is one goddamn hit?” / “You can’t say goddamn on the air.” / “Oh don’t worry nobody’s listening anyway.”
“I haven’t heard of half these guys and the ones I do know are way past their prime.” / “Most of these guys never had a prime.” / “This guy here is dead.” / “Cross him off then.”
“Should’ve gotten a live chicken.”
I could go on and on and on, just from memory. I’ve seen this movie so many times that I think I could take a pretty good stab at just reciting the whole thing. It’s an iconic part of my upbringing, a wonderful piece of Cleveland culture, and a hysterical comedy from beginning to end. The only things I’ve ever had a problem with in Major League is the old-timey baseball stuff that works out in the fiction but doesn’t work in reality like the squeeze plays and excessive stealing. Also they could have done a better job populating the positions that weren’t filled by their star actors. Dorn plays second, Hayes in center, Taylor at catcher, Cerrano in left, Vaughn and Harris are starters. Yeah, that’s a whole baseball team. Sure.
If you haven’t watched Major League and have a sense of humor, you should watch Major League. Former baseball player Bob Uecker gives a master class on comedic timing that today’s comedians apparently slept through or were too high to understand. It also has what I think is my second favorite line in any movie:
“Want me to drag him out of here? Kick the shit out of him.”
(You’ll have to wait for a review on The 5th Element for my favorite line ever.)