K-SCORE: 85
Rapper: Eminem
It’s a big honor to be the first guest choosing a rap for Kyle’s review. I was advised not to give Kyle my favorite rap song in the very likely event that he will tear it to pieces. However, after much consideration, I chose to give him one of my top five—none other than The Real Slim Shady himself. I remember hearing this song when it first came out; I was nine playing with PlayMobil in my babysitter’s basement in Brooklyn. At the time, I had no idea what Eminem was saying, in fact, I thought his name was pronounced “M&M.” Regardless, that catchy beat and chorus has stuck with me over the years and once I understood the lyrics, it quickly became one of my all-time favorites. I predict that Kyle will enjoy this change of pace from songs revolved entirely around money, fame, and all dem hoes. My brother seems to have been throwing a lot of that at him lately. Shout out to my girl Liz Brown for saying, “Wouldn’t it be great if he did Slim Shady?” Let’s find out!
-Claire Rab
“The Real Slim Shady” opens with “Y’all act like you’ve never seen a white person before.” I’m not to be included in that, correct? I understand that I’m not the target audience for “The Real Slim Shady” am I, Mr. Inem? Aw, shucks. And I thought we had so much in common. (I know what you’re thinking reader, but our true commonality is that we think if Tom Green can “hump a moose on TV” then Eminem “should be let loose” on TV. Tom Green set the bar so low there that DMX could walk under it and onto the set of Good Morning America without hitting his head.)
Eminem, it’s almost like you don’t actually believe the “other Slim Shady’s are just imitating” in “The Real Slim Shady.” I don’t think you’ve got “a million of us just like me, who cuss like me, who just don’t give a f*ck like me,” because, to be honest, to be just like you sounds terrible. You’re declaring yourself a skinny, sketchy, morally questionable man, who might work at Burger King and got venereal disease from a woman named Kim. No one wants that. Even your lifelong aspirations are depressing. You’re thirty now. Did you manage to sell “enough albums like Valiums” to kids and retire to a nursing home yet? This isn’t criticism mind you. Everyone’s got to have dreams. If you want to pinch the ass of old people and take a whole bag of Viagra, that’s your prerogative.
Here’s my criticism: you use sarcasm to illustrate an effective point that juxtaposes an egotistical attitude with a depressing yet supremely observant lifestyle. This simultaneously illustrates and lends credence to your familiar thesis: I’m better at rapping than everyone else. What reader? That’s not criticism. Well you should know by now that I have a strict no tolerance policy for sarcasm. I never use ironic language against other people to illustrate my point. How dare Eminem insinuate that hypocrisy exists in the music industry? I’m sure that Grammys are selected without an ounce of bias and the only measure of success in this world, Eminem, is institutional success. You would be so much happier if you just expressed gratitude in your raps to everything you have and all the people that helped you out on your journey through life. You should not have killed Dr. Dre and locked him in your basement. That was bad. Bad Eminem! Instead you yell at the people you don’t like. You could do away with that entirely and maybe even stop using all of those naughty words.
Of course there is one thing we can agree on. “F*ck Will Smith!” and his non-offensive rap, which I’m rapidly learning is like vegan cake. It might look like cake and act like cake and talk like cake and even if it is the next best thing it’s not quite cake.
I’m giving you an eighty-five. Your chorus is catchy, and your verses are satisfying both in form and in content. Plus, it takes a special mind to rhyme antelope, elope, and antidotes in a lyric about homosexuality. But, shouldn’t I have titled this song, “The Real Slim Shady” by The Real Slim Shady? How many rapper names does one need, Eminem? And spell it however you’d like, but I’m inclined to agree with nine-year-old Claire and think you’re calling yourself a sugar coated piece of chocolate.
The more I listen to this, the more I think that “imitating” doesn’t rhyme with “shady.” I have to move on to something else. I’ll declare you “The Real Slim Shady” because it’s meaningless and that’s all you seem to want, but just please sit down. Please sit down.