K-SCORE: 8
Rapper: Fat Joe
I've decided I'm over the fight Kyle and I had. It isn't worth getting caught up in every thing that happens in one's life, so I've decided to move on. Today we examine a thoroughly perplexing song, Fat Joe's "300 Brolic". Fat Joe made this song in honor of lowering his weight to 300 pounds, "the greatest shape" of his life. Also, the movie 300 came out around the same time. If you haven't heard this song, guess what that means! Let's read what Kyle thought.
-Mike
Oh boy. I knew I was in trouble when the first thing that came on was the most famous and perhaps least interesting part of the movie 300. Mr. Joe, “300 Brolic” is horrendous.
Do you know how you sound in this rap? You come off as a pathetic couch potato, perpetually stuck in adolescence, with a huge desire to punch something, but no ability or reason to do so. You clearly watched the movie 300, said to yourself, “I want to rap about how I’m as badass as a Spartan warrior,” and that’s where your thinking on the matter stopped.
You think you’re a warrior? You claim that you’re “in the greatest shape of your life?” How can you say that with a straight face? You’re rapper name is ‘Fat Joe.’ That’s literal. Look in the mirror dude. (Yeah, I google image searched you). If this really is the greatest shape of your life, expect nothing more than to one day break the scale in your bathroom and die of heart disease at age fifty. The only way you are going to make “killers sh*t they drawers” is if they literally crap themselves laughing at your fat ass when you “turn the corner” and you “have to run up on him.” “Blat” is the sound of you tripping over your feet while trying to do something fierce.
Twice in this you claim “I am a professional, I will cut your testicles” *sigh* Your obvious lack of motivation for threats like this only makes it more pathetic when you try to intimidate people by saying you’re going to “blow their brains on their moms.” You are a professional idiot, and that’s about it.
I can’t respect this as a rap either. You steal so much, and the theme of this thing is the demon bastard child of the movie you’re sampling. I got juiced as much as the next guy when I saw 300, but that doesn’t mean I thought I could turn a tape recorder on my rant about how I wanted to get into an epic fight and sell it to people as art.
I gave you a few points because you’re a pathetic man-child, not an offensive lunatic. Please remember that just because your “gat” goes “brrr ata tat tat” doesn’t mean it’s a toy. Stop “playin’” with it.