K-SCORE: 60
Rapper: Big Lurch
How about this?
-Mike
Wow. Oh wow.
Mike, I asked for a monstrous self-possessed whacko, and you stepped up to the plate. You stepped up to the plate in the biggest way imaginable. Screw it. You didn’t step up to the plate. You took me around back to where the real game is played, pointed at the plate because we dare not go closer, and showed me the hellspawn miscreation at bat that they call ‘Big Lurch.’
Mr. Lurch, you don’t understand gangster life. You’re not a gangster. No other rapper, no matter how they treat women, how much excess, greed, and waste they announce, how much drug use they’re guilty of, how much violence they’re guilty of, how much hatred, racism, slander and crime they’re guilty of, no matter how much gang activity they participate in, or no matter what objectionable behavior is a part of their life, comes close to being able to proclaim your atrocities. Gangster has an upper limit and you found it a while ago and have since passed beyond into a realm of insanity from which you can’t even see the gangster barrier on the horizon anymore. You’re so much crazier than the next craziest guy that it’s almost disrespectful for me to have called them psychotic lunatics in the past. You own those terms from now on, and if “Lucky Lurch is” just “warming up” consider me and anyone who fights for sanity your mortal enemy.
I Did it to You stands alone. I can’t imagine getting any song like it again, and so it’s tough to evaluate as if it is in the same category as other songs. Purely based on what I think it is attempting to do, and I loathe myself for thinking this, it’s good. Big Lurch, I think your goal is to instill fear and let loose some of the demons inside you, and in that you were undeniably successful. I counted eighteen distinct ways you indicated you killed people, and you mention five specific people, a preacher, a guy who put rims on your car, a mailman, a neighbor, and a Dominos pizza delivery boy, from your life that you murdered. It would be easier for me to sum up the number of lines that didn’t shock me to my very core than it would be for me to count the ones that did.
Accepting your murderous ways, there are still things about “I Did it to You” that are unacceptable to me. Firstly, you have a baby mama? Who would have a child with you? I don’t want to think about it. Secondly, why does the music in the background compliment your satanic voice so well? It sticks in my head. No music should go with this. This should be unaccompaniable. But then it is unaccompanied at one point, and it’s perhaps even more horrifying. How did you make this content into an effective rap? Ah!
Mr, Lurch, I’m awarding you with a sixty, and may the powers that be spare your soul. Should you ever get out of prison and read my review, I only ask that you write to me saying, “I’m finstsa school ya.” That way I’ll have time to buy some Kevlar and hire Big Rube as my bodyguard / exorcist before driving out to meet you in mortal combat.