K-SCORE: 23
Rapper: DMX
Yo! Where we at baby!? Time to shake things up, and nobody can do that quite like DMX. I feel like Kyle is getting too comfortable with these relatively stable rappers, so I want to see how he handles a guy with REAL problems. I hope that by the end of this song, Kyle can respond to DMX when he asks "where the ****** hood at!?!"
-Mike
“D –to the – M – to the – X” congratulations on being one of the most horrific people I’ve ever heard speak aloud. Whatever lunatic thought it would be acceptable to pay you to record and broadcast your thoughts and feelings in this manner better be crazy, rich, or dead. “Where da Hood at?” was one of the most gut-wrenchingly disturbing things that has passed through my ears. Its only merit, and I mean its absolutely only merit, is that it’s unlike anything I’ve experienced before. So, well done on that front, but I can’t let some of what you did and said here slide by without vehement criticism.
For one thing, stop yelling at me. You’re barely rapping. “Where da Hood at?” is just a furious tirade of homophobia and violent threats. Even with my ridiculously broad definition of art, this is closer to a recording of a temper tantrum than recognizable artistic expression. Yet you seem to think differently. You’re claiming you’re, pulling “another motherf*ckin’ rabbit out the hat.” This is so impressive it’s comparable to magic? Please. I could poke a bull in the ass with a hot iron stick and record something similar. And if you think I’m out of line comparing you to an animal, consider that you call yourself a dog many times. You even mention numerous dog-like behaviors you exhibit, “you know how to get down” “you know how to bite,” you claim to “bark very little, but know how to bite,” which is absolutely absurd because unless you had laryngitis when you recorded this, you’re barking this whole time. And my personal favorite, “you know how to chase a cat up a tree.” Well I think that’s just great, X, you can do something that disobedient dogs used to do in 1950s television. There’s not even a metaphor here. I think it’s literal. Well at least it’s legal.
I can’t say the same for some of these other behaviors you proudly proclaim. Did this really happen? “You come through, guns is drawn” and then “blam blam, lungs is gone.” Why? Oh no, never mind, you had a good reason. You “heard” that all these guys “was havin’ sex with the same sex,” and “you show no love for homo thugs,” so you’re “emptying out, reloading, and throwing more slugs.” This wouldn’t be funny at all were it not for your own obvious latent homosexuality, DMX. You only ask three questions in this song. “Where da hood at?” Answer: DMX. “Where da wolves at?” Answer: DMX. And finally, “How you gonna explain f*ckin’ a man?” Considering you “beat your **** and **** off ** ya eye” I think, once again, you only need to look inward to find your answer.
Twenty-three, Mr. X, for originality, and because I sense that your thesis was that you’re a horrible person who belongs in jail. Consider me convinced.