K-SCORE: 67
Rapper: Chris Brown
Deuces! I love this song; it's one of my many, many jams. It dropped at just the right time in my life and I'm always excited to listen to it. To me it's the blueprint for how to make the best ensemble track. I was interested to see how Kyle would handle a song with multiple people on it, let's find out what he said!
-Mike
Alright, loyal reader, I hope you appreciate this because this one was a lot of work. Mike’s tossing a rap at me this early that features Drake, T.I. (Terribly Ignorant?), Kanye West, a man who spells his name ‘Fabolous’ (ouch), and rapper/super hero Andre 3000, whose rapper moniker is quite similar to the name of a vegetable juicer I used to own. Toss in Chris Brown, who gets far too much credit for this song as he only raps/sings about 10% of it, and I’m looking at reviewing six different performances.
Here’s what I did. I imagined the background music existing without the rap and loved it. Subtle build, great anticipation of something incomparably epic. Toss that behind a crappy Michael Bay film and at the right moment and it might become something close to watchable. So whoever created that techno – twenty points, and “send it back around.” I’m also giving twenty generic points to the rap because I think I heard a robot at one point, and none of these rappers showed any signs of panic when it busted into the recording studio to add its fitting line, “miss me a little when I’m gone.” I do, robot. I do.
So now to pass judgment on these six guys. Mr. Brown, Mr. Drake, Mr. West, Mr. I, Mr. 3000, and Mr… I’m not typing that again – other guy.
Drake, your voice is really nasally, do you know that. It’s not really pleasant to listen to and Chris Brown might have considered tossing you somewhere in the middle where you’d be more forgettable. I’m giving you your seven points of ten possible though, because I think somewhere in your verse you have an argument for monogamy that’s shockingly sophisticated, even if it is masked in lines like, “tell them bitches you will always be my missus.”
T.I. you don’t get your ten. The coldest place you can think of is Michigan? Really?
Kanye, obviously I’m giving you your points. I hope I’m not judged to harshly by my readers for finding your special brand of misogyny funny. Your verse is by far the best to listen to repeatedly, but I hope you know Kanye, your “f’ing bitch” isn’t the only one who has “some f’ing issues.”
Fabulous. Take that. No points dude. Also, maybe it’s not my place, but working anything out with your girl is neither a good nor a bad business choice. It’s not a business. It’s a relationship. Seek counseling.
Andre 3000, it is “hard to say like selling sea shells,” but not because what you were going to say has linguistic challenges. It’s emotionally difficult. Your simile is not working for me. No points.
Chris Brown, you pulled this thing together so you get your ten points too. Altogether that’s a respectable K-score of 67.
(You can’t see me right now, but I’m “chuckin’ my deuces up.” It kind of hurts my hand. Am I doing this right?