K-SCORE: 18
Director: Mikael Hafstrom
Writers: Miles Chapman, Arnell Jesko
Starring: Sylvester Stallone, Arnold Schwarzenegger, 50 Cent
Spoiler Level: Major
“At one point Stallone makes a sextant out of a pair of glasses, a piece of paper, and some random tube, then gives it to an Arab guy who, of course, knows precisely how to operate this hundred-year obsolete piece of navigational technology, and even that extravagant sub-plan doesn’t matter by the end.”
Arnold and Mumbles Stallone kick off their reunion tour with this piece of shit. Escape Plan is so terrible, it’s the kind of film that makes me astonished that films of its ilk are still being churned out by the outdated Hollywood machine. I can’t hate on it too much though because when I first watched it, it inspired me to start a list of action clichés that my brothers helped me expand. I thought surely this film hit them all, initially citing: machine gun fire conveniently missing named characters, helicopters that sneak up on people, overly dramatic sidekick deaths, bad guy who listens to classical music, bad guy that dresses in black tie regardless of the situation, sleazy wealthy white guy betrayal, conveniently placed explosive barrels, horrible one lines just after any fight sequence, female characters that serve no function whatsoever, hackers, cronies who wear masks so we won’t think about the ethics of it when the hero massacres them, a forced fist fight between giants, and a token black character. It seemed like all the film was missing was something that’s not combustible inexplicably blowing up in a giant mushroom cloud of death and destruction. Well, then we fleshed out the list, and realized it only hits about half.
(If you want to see our action clichés, I’ve posted it. Click Here. Other cliché lists should follow in the future.)
The real problem isn’t the clichés though. The script is amateurish. The dialogue is awkward, trite, and random all at the same time. None of the plotlines make sense nor do the character motivations. Sylvester Stallone has a team of helpers that become obsolete after the introduction, which serves no purpose to the larger plot beyond showing us that Stallone is a badass, and yet this team continues to eat up screen time in spite of their irrelevance. The master namesake escape plan is little more than start a riot, steal a gun, and shoot your way to the prison exit. At one point Stallone makes a sextant out of a pair of glasses, a piece of paper, and some random tube, then gives it to an Arab guy who, of course, knows precisely how to operate this hundred-year obsolete piece of navigational technology, and even that extravagant sub-plan doesn’t matter by the end. There’s a twist (?) involving Arnold’s character’s daughter that is right on theme - of being random, nonsensical, and unimportant to the central conflict. At the end, this daughter character is waiting on a beach in Morocco, the nearest location to the prison in the middle of the ocean, and how she knew her father was about to escape, or where he would show up once he did, is never explained in the slightest. It’s especially ugly considering that if she had either of those pieces information, presumably she could have orchestrated a rescue on their behalf.
There’s simply way too little thinking done on the story and nothing that is supposed to be a selling point ends up being cool enough to make the film worth the sit, so skip to my cliché list and laugh, saying, “Yes! Action films are always doing that!” Then send me emails with screencaps if you think you have an iconic example of one or more of the bullet points so that I can spruce up the presentation a bit.