K-SCORE: 7
Director: Anthony C. Ferrante
Writer: Thunder Levin
Starring: Tara Reid, Cassie Scerbo, Jaason Simmons, John Heard
Spoiler Level: Minor
Whoops. Graham and I decided to watch Sharknado, you know… because of the promise of sharks inside tornados and what we hoped would be someone’s desperate attempt to explain how they ended up there. No luck. It’s horrible. An obvious one-star film for those rating it on Netlfix and not worth the hour and a half it takes to watch. Cheap, is the best word to describe it. They lure you in with the title and deliver fucking nothing at all. There are all these bullshit cuts to try to get you to associate their inside-of-a-car set with their outdoor-cheap-CGI weirdness, but it just isn’t believable at all. Describing half of what’s wrong would take longer than the film’s duration. Totally incompetent storytelling and filmmaking.
But! At one point the blah band of heroes acquire two random strangers played by similar looking actors, one wearing a red shirt and one a blue shirt. Neither spoke. Naturally we called them Mute Twin Red and Mute Twin Blue. They are shark fodder and Graham and I had a friendly wager as to who would get sharknadoed first. At one point during the climax, the camera shows a frozen Mute Twin Red, frightened, next to a beat up car, looking at an incoming flying shark. Yes! I thought I had it. But then from out of the frame Mute Twin Blue runs and pushes Red out of the way and the shark slams into him, impaling him through the chest with a sharp metal shard. Graham and I erupted. “Blue!! NO!!” I cried. I underestimated Blue’s moral fiber.
(Mute Twin Red dies horribly a couple minutes later.)
Addendum: Okay, I keep forgetting to mention this because, well, it’s supremely forgettable. The film has an introduction on a boat, some sailor-types arguing out at sea. I’m not sure. It doesn’t fit into the rest of the film at all! Never mentioned. You might as well take the first five minutes The Perfect Storm and graft it onto the movie. So unimportant is this intro that I failed to think of its existence on several occasions writing about and considering this movie. Imagine if I started this review off talking about why monkeys make bad pets or evaluating the death of adverbs in our society. That’s the level of random and disconnected we’re dealing with. It’s… it’s almost impressive really.